你若切糕,我便自宫

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2013-08-07 23:24:13 来源:
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记得那是一个阳光明媚的日子,太阳刚刚露出脸来,我就被窗外的小鸟的歌唱声给叫醒了。我看看闹钟,九点了,昨夜看《松赞干布和文成公主》的电视剧,看得太晚了,感觉全身乏力,好无聊啊,起床去做点什么吧。

我以迅雷不及掩耳盗铃儿响叮当之势从床上爬起来,我是个急性子啊,各位同学有没有急性子的?然后洗脸刷牙,翻遍冰箱啊,也没有早餐,单身的日子真难过,很怀念妈妈做的湘西米粉,突然想起昨天买的那块新疆切糕,核桃仁做的高档食品,一斤花了160块钱,我小心翼翼的拿出这块切糕,想起昨天新疆人那充满着和善的笑容和永远带着西方人口味的普通话,心里想着少数民族的东西就是不一样,原生态的,还贵。

我迅速的吃完了这块切糕,我本来是想慢慢品尝的,可惜就这么一小块,我刚放进嘴巴就没有了,还没有来得及尝出是什么味道。我一贯善于安慰自己,好的东西都是这样的,就好像猪八戒当年吃人参果,不也是没有尝着味道就囫囵下去了么? 关键不是尝味道,关键是它的营养价值,想到这里,我顿时觉得神清气爽起来,胳膊不疼了,腿不抽筋了,睡眼不朦胧了,腰不酸了,下身还蠢蠢欲动,我明明是看的《松赞干布和文成公主》啊,为什么这感觉像昨天晚上看了《3D肉蒲团》?

吃完切糕,我就下楼瞎逛去了,附近的小商贩都认得我,因为我经常去买些袜子、指甲刀、手套和变形金刚之类的,我有名是因为最爱还价,通常一百块的东西,必须被我还成九十九块我才会买,当然我也是大方的,有次买条五十块钱的牛仔裤,我掏出十块钱对小贩说,不用找了,小贩不干啊,我说怎么了大哥,真的不用找了,我有钱。小贩当场吐血了,我趁着他吐血那会功夫,潇洒的走了,第二天我在牛仔裤的裤兜里发现了300多块钱,想来是小贩的营业款啊,我是该独占呢还是该独占呢还是该独占呢?我纠结了很久,决定去还他,还没等我掏出钱来还他,他又吐血了,吐多了就说不出话来了,我说兄弟你怎么了你?小贩颤抖着拿着笔在纸上写了几个字,我一看,歪歪扭扭的写着:“哥,你是不是便衣城管啊?你不做城管可惜了。”我一看这字条,怒了,冲他大喊:“你才是城管,你全家都是城管!"

我四处看了看,今天那哥们怎么不摆摊啊?真的当城管去了?不仅那小贩不在,以前经常在这里摆摊的小贩都不在了,一打听,刚刚城管来过,手拉脚踢的,全被吓走了,做鸟兽散。我正愁着没地方逛街呢,突然眼前一亮,我发现了一排人在远处摆了好几个摊摊,我如获至宝,狂奔而去,不让人逛街真是逆天了啊,我上气不接下气的跑到摊摊前,啊,全是维吾尔族人啊,56个民族之花,我看他们摊摊铺着黄布,黄布上摆着大刀、匕首、宝剑和长鞭,和武侠小说里的一模一样啊,我蹲下来,仔细的看啊看,顺手摸了一把。
“多少钱?”我充满自信的问道。
“这个是青花匕首,580。”
“有少吗?”
“没少。”
“没少啊?那我再看看。”
“不行,你刚才摸了,就得给钱。”
“摸了就要给钱啊?”
“是啊,难道我摸你家姑娘不用给钱?”
“可是我不打算买啊。”
“你不打算买你摸什么摸啊,你们汉人就知道摸摸摸。”
“我买这个匕首能干什么啊?”
“可以防身,可以卖艺,可以切水果。”
“还能做什么啊?还可以切糕,看到没有,在街上卖切糕,明白?”
“还可做什么?”我弱弱的问道。
“还可以……,你让我想想,还可以自宫,要不要我给你示范一下?

小贩说着就拿起刀朝着我下身挥舞,我吓得脸色煞白,赶忙掏出600块钱,没敢让他找,飞也似的跑了,原来新疆小贩的东西不能摸啊。但我自己能摸吧,我仔细的摸了摸,还在,我露出了庆幸的笑容。

于是我继续瞎逛,可是今天的街头真干净啊,一个小贩都没有了,走了好几里地,好不容易发现一排小贩在那里卖糖果,我一下子就兴奋了起来,仔细一看,又是新疆小贩啊,排成一排在那里卖切糕,摩托车上放着一大团核桃和葡萄干做的切糕,维族音乐震天的响我看看自己手里的青花匕首,跟那些卖切糕的小贩手上拿的刀可真像。我感到新疆小贩的诚信了,这青花匕首果然可以卖切糕,为了了解市场行情,我凑上去问多少钱一斤,一个小贩说16,我说16啊,那给我买一斤,只见小贩三下五除二就切了块下来,真诱人啊,好多的核桃和葡萄干粘在上面,看着就让人眼馋。我接过切糕,给了20块让他找,他恶狠狠的瞪着我,不够,要160,我说不是16吗,怎么是160啊?他说,是16块一两,你的一斤,160。这么贵啊,那我不要了。不要也得要。我不偏要。我就让你要!旁边的新疆小贩们全都围了过来,我挣扎着准备跑,小贩们抓住我,我更努力的挣扎,突然听到咣当一声,摩托车上的切糕全掉地上了,摩托车也倒了,小贩们把我团团围住,使劲的打我,打完了让我赔钱,算下来一共1000斤切糕,16万,摩托车两万,还有我在挣扎过程中踩了他们的名牌皮鞋,一共两万,加上来20万。

我的世界突然间一片漆黑了,可我手中还紧紧的抓住那块切糕和那把匕首,这可是我花钱买了的啊,正在挣扎间,来了几个大盖帽的,我以为是城管来了,心想救星终于到了,城管不让在街上摆摊的,可以疏散他们了。

“城管同志,他们打我。”
“你才是城管,你全家人 都是城管,没有看到我们是警察吗?”
“我仔细一看,好像是警察。”
“不好意思,认错了,你们的衣服长相差不多。”
“你跟他们才长相差不多,警察是警察,城管是城管,别侮辱我们。”
“他们打我。”
新疆小贩指着我说,“他买了东西不付钱,还把我的切糕和摩托车给掀翻了。他说我们打他,你看他手里拿着匕首,塑料袋里还有我们卖给他的切糕。”

就这样我被带到了派出所调查,最后让我赔了16万切糕外加4万其他损失,还把我拘留了7天。

我身无分文了,这么多年的省吃俭用全赔进去了,我唯一的家产就是600块钱买的那把匕首,能做什么呢?突然想起可以做切糕卖,于是我在网上学习了做切糕的方法,网上说,为了使切糕更重,可以加点重金属粉,我如法炮制,卖了所有家当买了一俩摩托车卖切糕,可我刚把车推到楼下停下来,就遇到几个大盖帽的。他们用威严的语气呵斥我停下,我吓得全身发抖。战战兢兢的停了下来。
“你干什么?”
“我过路。”
“你非法摆摊,你知道吗?”
“我知道。”
“知道你还摆?”
“我看见新疆人都在摆,所以我也摆。”
“他们是少数民族,国家优待他们,你知道吗?”
“我也是啊,我也是少数民族。”
我掏出身份证给他们看,他们其中一个领头的看了半天,
“你是苗族,国家没有优待。”
“我有啊,我们可以生两胎,上学可以加分,大学补助还多两块钱每个月。”
“但是你们摆摊不能优待。”
“哪个民族可以优待?”
“维吾尔族和藏族的可以,其他的统统不行。”

我沮丧的把摩托车推回家里,没有生计了。
怎么办呢,总不能自己被自己尿憋死啊,在我们的社会主义国家,总会给人一条活路吧,何况我还是少数民族,我苦思冥想,在第三天早上的时候我灵机一动,打开电脑上淘宝网,买了假发,假胡子,维吾尔族服装,一个星期以后终于到货,我迫不及待的贴上小胡子,戴上蜷曲的假发,穿上维族服装,活脱脱一个新疆人啊,我唱啊,跳啊,内心狂喜,我被自己的智慧深深折服。

我推着摩托车又下去卖切糕了。戴着大盖帽的城管又赶走了街上所有的小摊贩,对我却视而不见,我说,“老总,买块切糕不?”
“不买不买,也不吃,吃不起。”
“很便宜的了,才16。”
“呵呵,工资低啊吃不起。”
“老总谦虚了哈,我看你昨天吃那个高档的火龙果,都吃了三大个。”
“ 那个不要钱,我们没收的。”
“你啷个不没收我的呢?”我刚说完就后悔了。一个大盖帽走了过来,对我上下打量,我直冒冷汗,深怕他看出我是易容的。他打量了我半天,自言自语的说,“怎么听起像重庆口音呢?”旁边一个长官模样的说,“新疆朋友来重庆混久了,就带重庆口音了撒”。大盖帽若有所思的点了点头,然后点头哈腰的说,“老大说的对,还是老大有经验。”
城管同志们跟我热情的打招呼,然后走了,他们日理万机,每天要清理无数小贩。有时候我在想,为什么那些小贩不像我一样的化妆成新疆人呢?从小的时候,老师说知识改变命运啊,这话一点也不假啊。

每天的生活仍然在继续,我虽然赔偿了20万,但是很块就靠卖切糕挣回来了,我准备买房了,买房了就结婚,昨天晚上我又看我最爱看的电视剧《松赞干布和文成公主》,我在想,维汉一家,民族和亲,可是为什么总是汉族公主远嫁塞外,而不是吐蕃公主远嫁中原啊?为什么和亲都是我们的女人嫁过去,他们的女人怎么都不嫁过来啊?可是这个跟我一毛钱的关系都没有,我又不是汉人,我是苗人,可我想不通的是,同样是少数民族,维族人和苗族人,做人的待遇怎么那么大呢?

我又想起那个卖匕首给我的维族小贩给我说过的话,这青花匕首可以切糕,也可以自宫,这几年网上甚嚣尘上的有句话,叫什么“你若安好,便是晴天”,头大了心乱了,我一点也不安好,虽然这几天都是晴天,因为切糕不好卖了,网上微博都曝光了,爷爷的,只有换个qq签名避避晦气了,于是我迅速的把qq签名改成了:

——你若切糕,我便自宫。

 

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